It’s going to be a real slog today. Lex is in the hospital with a bad case of punch-in-the-face and my supersonic hearing isn’t picking up so much as a mewing kitten. Good lord, it’s 8am, I can’t just sleep all day. Doesn’t matter that it’s Memorial Day weekend. Better shower now, or the day will be lost to the villainy of laziness.
Superman trudged down the hall with a super-sized towel and the mint plant that his boyfriend had given him. He placed the plant near the window and chucked the towel over the door handle. Ninety seconds later, he was shower fresh, renewed, and mentally ready to right some wrongs and battle the unexpected.
It took all of three minutes to get a nutritious whole wheat breakfast quesadilla on the table and one minute to consume it. And yet I’m too lazy to wash the dishes, Superman thought as he tapped the on button with his pinky. Go Whirlpool, go!
Suddenly, the iPhone went off. It was a text. Superman crossed the room in a blur of super speed, entered his code, 1432, and gasped at the message. “Uncle, do you know anything about student loans?” Superman groaned. He typed at super speed, “Do you realize that the student interest rate just increased to seven percent? Why are you even going to college? Supers don’t have to go to college. We save colleges! I really hope this is just for some deep cover intel and not some bourgeoise fantasy of rising to the top of the bloated middle class. If Romney takes the presidential office, you’re going to have so much more to worry about than the frackin’ UC system.” He stopped typing. He realized that his nephew had a Droid and not an iPhone. This message would show up broken in more ways than one. He deleted the message and typed, “Check your FAFSA and see if you qualified for a Subsidized Stafford Loan and anything else. If you get stuck, call the Grossmont Financial Aid Office.” A reply came back, “Thanks, Uncle!”
Superman sank into the sofa and considered brewing some free trade coffee. Thanks to his superior dental health most people didn’t know that he drank coffee. The coffee habit was just one of those things from life on the farm that stuck with him. He mended his socks when they were worn and even cut and sewed the fabric for his costumes. Ma and Pa didn’t use Coffee Mate creamer though. That was his own special touch brought on by the irresistible saccharine sweetness of Belgian Chocolate Toffee.
Suddenly, the iPhone rang. Brandon Routh’s face came up on the screen. Ah, my friend that picture doesn’t do you justice, Superman thought.
“How’s it hangin’, B?”
“Dude, so low, I’ve got a situation here. I’m over at Warner Brothers negotiating my contract.”
“I thought it was too soon for a sequel.”
“They’re planning ahead for after Romney gets elected. They’re talking Justice League.”
“You lost me. Romney only just accepted the nomination.”
“Come on, you know better than that. Anyway, Supes, I asked for 4. Can you believe they came at me with 2.7? I taped down my junk for these bozos.”
“But they paid you 2.5 last time.”
“Bro, it’s not about that. Tobey got 3 for the last Spiderman. I mean, come on. This is about truth, justice, and the American way. My agent’s got laryngitis and I’m sitting over here, feeling like I’m some kinda homeless asking for spange! You know Brian Singer’s net worth? Almost a billion, bro. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been so humiliated.”
“Alright, Brandon. Take a deep breath. I’m on my way.”
“I knew I could count on you.”
Superman was in his Friday suit and out the door at lightning fast speed. Advocating for celebrities was usually just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. But what Superman didn’t know was that Ben Affleck was at the negotiating table…